Pfft…

I’m sorry I could not think of a better title for this post. That pretty much sums up my feelings right now.

People with anxiety issues are constant worrier. So I’m very worried a lot these days. My counsellor whom I have been seeing weekly told me a story on how marathon runners need to take a break when they hurt their leg. Once they are fully recovered they can run a marathon once again.

I’m skeptic because I know people with anxiety and panic attacks do not just recovered fully. They still have bad days and panic attacks can sneak up on them once in a blue moon. I’m not looking to fully recover from it. I have come to terms that I will always have a panic attacks throughout my life. Its a matter of how I cope with it to prevent them from happening too often and how I manage to dial it down when I’m having them.

Nevertheless, I’m grateful for my counsellor for she is like a gentle lady with so much patience. I wish everyone I met are like that, might just cure me right away. Sadly, the world is full of jackass and batshit crazy people.

I recently met up with a University classmate of mine. We have not contact each other for months so we thought we catch up. Turned out, she went to the same counselling centre as me but on a totally different issue. To quickly summarize, both of us are lost lambs facing quarter-life crisis and were raised in a mentally toxic family.

I even came up with a conclusion that might offend some, and that not every family are suitable to be raising children. I know I’m not a mum and will likely never be a parent and in no position to say, but there are some families having children for all the wrong reasons.

Wrong reasons for wanting to have children:

  • married friends are pregnant so I must too
  • it is expected for married couples to have children
  • relatives are chasing them to have kids
  • raise kids as money-making tree in future
  • in order to save a broken marriage

If you do not have the patience and have no interest in making constant effort in building your child’s character, environment and healthy childhood then please think twice before deciding to have kids.

I have seen so many cases where adults are still being haunted by some childhood trauma or they grew up having their mothers undermining them or raised in a household full of insults and no respect. Parents throw their kids in school and expect teachers to do the ‘parenting’ work for them. They blame teachers/school/friends if their children turned out less than expected.

I have a friend whose husband is very verbally abusive to the wife. He said the most awful and disrespecting vulgarities to the wife when he’s mad. They wanted kids and they had them. I sometimes look at the children with such worry that what if they were to be the brunt of their father’s anger someday. Will they learn from their father on how to treat women disrespectfully? Sometimes I worry is the environment they grew up in is safe.

I know first hand, that the environment where the children grew up in is very important. It’s very important that it is safe and able to give children a sense of security. Some parents neglect it or they did not bother to make an effort to spend time with their children. Some may say they need to work or they feel stress at work and they do not have the mood to spend time with children. Then why do you decided to have children in the first place?

There are many complex family problems and what I’m saying may not prove anything. Just like when people are giving me advice on how to deal with my anxiety. Just because the glasses fit you does not means the glasses will fit me. This is why people get prescription glasses, this is why I get medical help and not delay any further to ruin the rest of my life.

People think I’m so over dramatic. Quit my high-paying promising career and am ‘resting’ in between jobs while I go for therapy sessions. I can guess 50% of you might be right AND at the same time you do not have a grasp on mental illness and the statistics. The other 50% are self-centered with no compassion and are probably not suitable to have kids. If heaven forbid your kid has some form of mental illness and the things you say will just make them worst.

I want to end it on a happier note. I will overcome it and I will turn out better.It looks like I’m off the beaten path or am lost right now. I will not be lost forever, I’m off the beaten track to find opportunities while other blindly follow a walked path. If I did not come back stronger, does not means I failed, it meant it’s not the end yet, I am still trying.

The most important thing I learn from my illness is not give up. Never ever give up. You may walk 2 steps forward and find yourself 3 steps back, just keep moving on. It’s dangerous for us to not move as we will be stuck in rut forever.

So always keep moving forward. We have something that the naysayers does not have. We have empathy and we are wiser having been through this situations.

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