Being highly sensitive

I thought I come on here to talk about my issues which I have been facing for the longest time.

I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) or an empath.

I feel way too much and to the point where I will self-destruct. I am highly sensitive to everything around me. The sights, smells and sounds are all very overwhelming for me sometimes which is why I like to stay home. I am a homebody. I used to feel ashamed to tell people that I have literally no life. People feel that means you are lazy, inactive, shy or a nerd.

So here I am, telling the world that I am a homely person. I prefer to stay home. I hate crowds because crowded places make me anxious. I get very uncomfortable when it is too hot or too cold. Like I said, I am a very sensitive person.

With that said I had many people rolled their eyes at me or brush me off as being too weird or too childish. They make me feel lesser as a person and make me feel ashamed of who I was.

I am a HSP. I cannot change that or make it go away. This is me. This is who I am. The person you are talking to, you are texting with and you are having lunch with. This trait is in my very core. Is what makes me who I am today.

I have people telling me that I am a good listener, I am caring and I am sensitive to their feelings. These are all parts of HSP traits. You can’t tell me shut off when you don’t want to deal with my sensitivity crap and turn back on when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I had it with people who do that to me. I do not deserve you. I do not deserve to care so much about you when you do not treat me the  way I treated you.

With HSP, we always, always get our hearts broken by literally everyone in our lives. Even the closest friends and family, we all got our hearts destroyed at some point by them. Because we are so sensitive, we pick up on that little bit of hostility, that sarcasm and that hidden insult.

I tend not to watch very sad and heart-wrenching shows because I know I would cry for hours and be depressed for days. I feel sadness from the death of beloved storybook characters. I feel hatred by watching a movie with evil characters in it.

I had a hard time managing my high sensitivity at work. I am always exhausted after a day of work because I spent a lot of energy on my anxieties AND my work. I don’t usually go out after work because I am mentally drained and I need to recover in time for the next day.

I did not know how to manage myself so last year I caused myself to be in a dire situation. Physical and mental health alarms went off at the same time. I felt that I was losing control on everything and I just shut down. Nobody around me could understand, nobody could help me, nobody wanted to even try to lift a finger. I was all on my own. I did not even get an ounce of sympathy, I did not get the decent human respect as a sick person. I get the same reaction from people saying I’m so over dramatic, I am making things sound serious when they are not, I am not trying hard enough. All that just pushed me deeper into another illness which was depression.

People think I am overly dramatic and sensitive. I feel that I must have failed so badly in being a human being. Criticism just simply kills me. I don’t deserve to be happy, I don’t deserve to have friends and I don’t deserve to take care of myself. I felt worthless and I felt like I am so damaged I am beyond repair. I try to force myself not to feel too much. I ended up hurting myself more because of guilt and regret. I did not mean to be so insensitive, I did not mean to hurt other people’s feeling, I did not mean to not care when in actual fact I DO care so much. I get sad when people around me are unhappy or are hurt and I can’t do anything about it. I feel guilty when I could not help anyone.

When I look at the adoption gallery on the SPCA website, I feel so sad and worthless that I can’t help them. When I saw old folks in the home I just feel my heart was wrenched out of my body. I could not do anything to make their lives better and happier. People will think that it is so fake. I am an empath. I feel a lot when I am surrounded by things like that. My mood changes according to the environment around me.

I am learning to control it and learning to detach myself from a lot of unecessary baggage. I am learning to let go of negativity and worries. I am trying to treat myself better and give myself lots of patience and room for error. I am still a work in progress.

I got silver linings from my bad situation last year. I met a good counsellor who always reminded me to be kinder to myself. I met a super awesome online friend from the U.S whom we Skype almost daily (I’m talking about you Bake!). I am reminded of the goodness in my family and my other family.

I am reminded of how lucky I am even though my life isn’t perfect.

I am learning to not emphasis too much on the negativities. The good and the bad always come together. Where there is darkness, there is light. Where there is rain, there is sunshine. Where there is despair there is hope. I still get affected by a lot of things but I am learning and pushing forward to growth. I don’t feel ashamed of being who I am. I see being a HSP or an empath a good thing. People who don’t have that, could not understand something so deep. They made a snap judgment based on their shallow perception and they make us feel bad for something we cannot control.

I am at a happier place than where I was a year before. This is good because it means that I am improving. I was recently given another shot in proving myself in the banking field. I never thought that it came so quickly. I feel honoured that they have gone all out and made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.

This is me having another shot in life, take 3.

I am putting all my new skills and wisdom to use. To always, ALWAYS be kinder to myself for I am my worst critic which haunts me every second of every day.

For people who are like me and going through some tough time now. I am going through that as well. Let’s stay strong together, let’s just take tiny steps to the right directions. I know it is so hard and may seem impossible. You may think you have fallen too deep in a dark black hole and you will never find your way out. I thought I did as well. Now, I am moving further away from the dark hole and moving towards the positive side of life. I am telling you now, it does get better with time.

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2 thoughts on “Being highly sensitive

  1. Shake, this is my favorite post that you’ve ever written. The last paragraph made me cry. It’s so beautiful to see you so transparent acknowledging the the work you need to do, but also the work that you’ve *already* done. As you said, “I am still a work in progress”. Thank you for such a beautiful post – so uplifting and so real. I really love you and I’m proud of you. Take this post to look back at in the future. Try and try and try again. There’s nothing wrong with you, you are a beautiful soul … a delirious pancake ❤

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  2. Thank you for always being the first to read my blog post! Thank you for always being there for me and talking nonsensical stuffs. Thank you for entertaining me at my lowest and as my craziest. I feel so lucky to know you 🙂 I am the luckiest online friend in the world!

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