No I did not really die, I meant as a figure of speech for my blog. You probably think my blog is dead. Whatever happens to the anxiety girl? Did panic attacks really killed her?
Well anxiety girl has been busy at work these days. I am learning to take things slow, one day at a time. Little did I knew, time flew by so fast when you are taking things slow. You see lads, you can never get what you want in life. ‘Life’ is like an angst teenager that defies you in every way possible. You try not stress about stuff, you got stressed even more. You try to take things slow, life sped it up even more.
Then again this angst teenager sometimes throw you a couple of surprises your way which you never see coming. I found a job that I am comfortable in and did not have a single panic attacks at work at all. Maybe it’s the Mirtazapine working in me but I have to say, the people and work are much less stressful and mean as my previous nut jobs.
I just signed an extension to my contract which honestly I was so eager to. I do not know if I will still hold the same sentiment next year regarding this job and the people. In the past my over anxious mind will be thinking so far ahead that made me cautious to even trust and open up to people. I did not show the real me in my previous jobs which I wish I had. I wish I opened up to more people, the colleagues whom I see everyday.
I am doing it now, taking little steps because I thought to myself “if not now, then when?”.
Whenever I feel like I want to share things with my colleagues, share a little snippet of my life. My anxiety got me over thinking with worries and will hold me back. I find that quiet moment in my mind and ask myself this, “if not now, then when?”.
Sure in my job, not everything and everyone are like nice and cheerful. Whenever I encounter a shitty task, I will always remind tell myself that I’m thankful for this job. To be able to find a job in less than 2 months when I have stop working for a year was ridiculously lucky. I thank the universe for this cosmic outcome.
I do have a couple of mean and rough colleagues and sometimes I got the brunt of their bad days. My colleagues will message me encouraging words and even share their jokes/experience with me to make me feel better. As such, these bad experiences with the ‘common’ enemy made me feel included with the group. In fact almost like a family, where there are some arguments and resentments but we never hold grudges because the next day is a new day to start over.
I remember my manager told my colleague who was unhappy after being scolded by our big boss. She said ‘Why must you take it to heart every words she said? Just let her vent her frustrations and it will be over”. I honestly wish someone had told me that many years ago. People with anxieties, find it difficult to ‘let go’ every single harsh words or bad incidents. We replay it over and over again like a broken record and every time you slip deeper and deeper into depression.
So here I am, back after many months of hiatus from blogging. I am busy keeping in check of my own mental and physical health. I try not to over exert too much on myself and avoid the snowball effect of fatigue physically and mentally.
I admit I was scared to admit of my anxiety disorder and depression last year. I lost a lot of things. I lost some friends, I lost my connections in the working world and lost my self-esteem.
Looking back, I never would have found my current job if a number of things had not happened in the last one year. I was there at the right place and right time. I lost some friends but I gained a pal who I Skype with everyday. We have so many meaningful discussions that I feel outweighs all the friends that I lost.
I feel more centered now and at peace. I am still working on a lot of issues but I am so much better than I was this time last year. If I told myself this time last year that I will be travelling to Seoul, South Korea, I would not believe it.
You will feel that you are in this constant replay of bad moments with your anxieties and depression. You feel that you will never get out of this evil cycle, but here’s the thing, I broke the cycle and am free from it for almost 5 months. There are days where it just consumes me whole but I recover from it quicker than before. It’s like constant training for your mind, you will get better than before and every little bit of achievement counts.
So when you are deep in the darkness and lost in every direction you take, always keep moving and keep fighting back.
Because if not now, then when?