I’m weaning off

It’s been 4 weeks since I started to wean off my medication. Every doctor visit I always asked if I can wean off and the doctor reluctantly gave me the go ahead. He was reluctant as he said they need to see a good 6 months of symptoms free result. I do have a couple of anxiety symptoms which occurs about twice a month. I do not understand how someone with history of anxieties can go totally symptom free. Even normal people will have some sort of anxieties.

I was very confident and adamant about weaning off as I feel I have been feeling super well these past months. I’m now cutting my medications by half and I thought to myself, what the worst it could happen?

Well my worst nightmare happened immediately after I cut my dosage. I’m face with insomnia and the lack of sleep cause by a snowball effect of fatigue. I have problems concentrating in my work and I hate that I can’t give a 120% in my job. I’m the kind of person that will do anything to reduce any downtime in my work. I have bad period pains so I get a prescription of strong painkillers. I only want painkillers that work super quickly because like I said, I do not want any downtime from my work.

My poor appetite return and I’m so upset about it as the medication been helping me gain weight and made me look healthy. I have been so skinny all my life and I cannot put on weight for the life of me. The medication been giving me healthier appetites and I really enjoy it.

So then I realized what if the pros of taking these medications actually outweigh the cons? The medication I’m taking actually focuses on increasing my serotonin levels. There are people whose body are unable to produce a required serotonin levels that the body needs. What if I have serotonin deficiency? Is this why I have been underweight my whole life and having terrible sleep? It kind of makes sense but I want it to be proven. If it were true, I finally found the reason to so many questions. I can be healthy like everyone else.

I brought forward my appointment because I am not doing well with my weaning. I hate to think I am addicted to it since many people do become. But I just want normal sleep and appetite like everyone. Even if I have to rely on it for life, if it gives me quality of life, I take it.

Sleep and eat is like basic human survival. I’m so challenged in something so basic that should come naturally. This is the case where no matter how strong your will-power is, the fact that you cannot control every cell in your body holds true. My will-power can help me avoid depression and negative thoughts, reduce anxieties sometimes. It cannot help me increase serotonin in my brain. Would you tell a diabetic person to have stronger will-power so that it can magically help produce insulin that the body needs?

Thinking positive thoughts and training your mentality to be stronger is not the answer to medical problems. It can help ease the situation but does not solve it.

I am so lucky to be working in a company that talk about staffs facing anxiety, panic attacks and depression. The company has counselling to anyone who needs it and emphasise the importance of taking care of your well-being both physically and mentally. I do not expect that a bank could do this. I thought I’m so over being in a banking industry, I’m glad I gave this one a try. They continue to surprise me with their humanistic approach even with being a big corporation. I realize not every bank; every company is the same as I thought they are. I am willing to stay there as long as possible, as long as they are willing to have me.

I hope people like me can find a company that is understanding and helpful. I hope to see more companies taking the humanistic approach in future.

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