Myers-Briggs test

I took this test from here.

The result I got is …

 

INFJ Personality (“The Advocate”)

 

(Preach it to me sister!)

 

INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.

Famous INFJs

Martin Luther King
Nelson Mandela
Mother Teresa
Alanis Morissette
Jimmy Carter
Nicole Kidman
Goethe

Fictional INFJs

Jon Snow from Game of Thrones
James Wilson from House M.D.
Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings
Galadriel from The Lord of the Rings
Michael Scofield from Prison Break
Rose DeWitt Bukater from Titanic
Desmond Hume from Lost
I’M JON SNOW Y’ALL!!!!
I have read the rest of the explanations and have to say, it really does sounds like me. My favourite part is Karma. I do believe in Karma!
It says I’m not suitable working in corporate setting because it burns me out really fast. Well it kinda does…but who cares all of that because the most important thing is…
I’M JON SNOW Y’ALLL!!!!
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“Sheltered”

I feel that many people have different meanings of “living a sheltered life”.

The meanings I observed so far:

  • thinking that you have anxieties/sick
  • not holding down a proper job
  • not doing what other people are supposed to do at your age

When I heard it, I wanted to speak out (in undeniably coarse language but unlike the person, I can hold back my words).

I know I kept talking about my anxiety issues and all that but that is exactly what this blog is all about. About my journey and a way to communicate with the community.

So first thing, you feel that my need to see a counsellor is excessive. I will have you know that there are some people who are going through a bad patch, who goes to a counsellor to have someone to talk to. That is what the counselling centre is for which I am very grateful to them. You do not necessarily have to be mentally ill to go to a counselling centre. If you are grieving or feeling stress, they are a good listening ear and they will pick up on any indicators if you are going to self-harm.

Imagine if someone is feeling depressive and suicidal, you telling them that going counselling is being over-dramatic and that person believe your fucking words and did not seek help. If this person did kill themselves, I wonder what you are going to say to people.

I will tell you what shit you will say.

“Who knew she was really that sick?”

“Why didn’t she get any help?”

“If I knew it, I would have drag her to see psych.” (Yea you fucking would…)

If you are feeling negative, losing hope and feel like cutting yourself, please do talk to somebody. Somebody who actually CARES for your mental well-being.

The person who said that you are probably seeking attention? Saying that is like telling a disabled person to stop pretending to use a wheelchair. That person does not care about you. Those person words are of NO IMPORTANCE TO YOU so do not listen to it. If it is your friend, you need to walk away from them and seek someone with more maturity.

That person is going to hell so I’m sure it ends nicely.

Always take care of your OWN mind and body. You are doing yourself a favour and saving yourself from a long recovery by detecting it early.

During this past year, I have people attacking me and using sarcasm on me for not having a proper job.

Dear people, if you want to insinuate that I live like this because I have a sheltered life? Please go read a book, do your research and maybe come down from your high horses before you come and challenge me with that phrase.

So you concluded that I’m a failure at not holding down a job, my start-up business not working out or seeking sick as an excuse. While my peers have got a job out of college, working their 9 to 5 jobs for years and never made any career decision mistakes so far.

I’m going to copy and paste the meaning of “sheltered” here and before that, please remember what was said in the previous paragraph.

sheltered – definition

someone who has had a sheltered life has not had the usual unpleasant experiences that most people have in their lives  – macmillandictionary

That’s weird…I have had so much failures so far and am diagnosed with anxiety disorder too. Am I not “sheltered” enough?

Are you not happy with this definition? Macmillan dictionary does not have better English standards than you?

How about this?

have/lead a sheltered life

disapproving to have a ​life in which you are ​protected too much and ​experience very little ​danger, ​excitement, or ​change -dictionary.cambridge.org

I have experienced a lot of change especially this past year. My career? Let’s see, from my first job at 16 working at a school’s bookshop till my current age at 27, I have worked in small and departmental retails, aerospace, pharmaceuticals, F&B and banking industries.

I remembered working 14 days a week continuously back then because there was some good over-time pay. I used the money to pay for my school books.

I did not went to college straight after due to financial difficulties so I worked for a year to saved up what would have only been enough for only a semester. I learnt about wine drinking at age 20. Worked as a clerk in the day and networking after work during wine tasting events.

Of course at wine tasting events there are people who cannot keep their hands to themselves and important people who you are not allow offending. Learning all the skills to handle at age 20 is scary. I got a boss that spewed vulgarities, hit on every female staffs and had crazy temper like throwing wine glasses and dumping food on staffs. I forced myself to stick it out for a year so as to make my resume looks good.

Of course after I went through all that, people still think I’m “sheltered”.

So fast forward now, I am working on a new business with no salary yet. I loaned money to someone who cannot afford to pay his child’s school fees, passed some cash to help someone for rent and like many times in the past, passed some cash to my parents to tide things over at the family business. Because I understand people with financial difficulties from the “sheltered” life I lead.

I am still paying my own bills and paying the medical fees for the past few months to treat my anxiety/insomnia. I did not tell my parents about my illness because I do not want them to worry. I am THAT “sheltered”.

How does someone do that with no salary?

Well…I did WORKED in the past and of course I did not blow my savings on extravagant lifestyle. That’s how “sheltered” I am.

Oh and another idiotic reason why people thinks that I get anxiety issues now? They said it is because I have been living a sheltered life for so long. I cannot seem to face the real facts of life now (Please fucking do your research! That is the most retarded reason to explain to people how anxiety disorder came about!).

Really? After all that, it is I THAT CANNOT SEEM TO FACE THE REAL FACTS OF LIFE.

How about YOU whose brain is so narrow that you cannot seem to accept the true facts that people have anxiety issues due to many reasons. It could be genetics; it could be accumulation of stress over the years. It could be many reasons which you will probably never understand because you cannot open your mind wide enough to accept the fact that it is different from you. Genocides happen because people in their high horses cannot accept others from being different. Read a fucking book!

You cannot accept people who have difficulties in their lives due to millions of reasons. You feel that everyone should be the same, find a job, go work 9 to 5, get salary on-time and do not share that you have mental illness.

YOU DO NOT WANT CHANGE. YOU WANT EVERYTHING TO BE CONSTANT. ANYTHING DIFFERENT FROM A SOCIETY’S PERCEPTION IS UNACCEPTABLE. BELIEVING YOU IS LIKE BELIEVING THAT UNDER PRIVILEDGE FAMILIES DESERVE THE HARDSHIPS THEY LEAD OVER SOMETHINGS THEY CANNOT CONTROL.

WHO IS LIVING THE SHELTERED LIFE NOW?

So WHAT if this business does not work out? I can accept failures; I will go out and find a job if need be. It is not the end of the world. I can accept this failure but I will never give up. I will grow from it, become a stronger person, become wiser and mature.

I can accept failures and it will not deter me from trying out new experiences because I’m not afraid to make mistakes. I will never settle just to make my life convenient for others to understand.

If you have never made a mistake in your life, it seems like you are not growing as a person. You are too afraid to be a failure or to be seen as a failure.

You are the one leading a sheltered life because you have never seen situations like this before. You cannot understand anything that does not fit in a box.

Stop telling people they are living a sheltered life when you do not know what the fuck you are talking about or their whole story.

Everyone is fighting a different battle. You putting down others and making them feel small is plain ignorant.

I know I’m leading a better life than you because I did not say such horrible things to people who are already feeling broken.

Still looking for unicorns

So it’s been awhile since I last blogged. Was losing my momentum to blog in the past few months.

Not that any of you care but I was on neopets/daily skype with a friend in Florida/dying over medication side effects pretty much occupied.

So over the course of the past months, I have tried 3 different medications for my anxiety and insomnia. With new medication come new rounds of side effects that either makes you nauseated, headache, drowsy and the most horrifying nightmares of your life for several nights.

I also did some blood work to rule out thyroid.

To be honest, I prayed that I got thyroid. That way all my issues can be explained and the doctors know how to treat it immediately. It is also much more ‘convenient’ to tell people what is wrong with you. Because God knows that telling people you have anxiety disorder, panic attacks and peppered with insomnia is not exactly a good conversation starter (unless you are chatting with a bunch of people with anxiety issues, those are perfect!).

So my third medication gave me night terrors and I told myself that for sure I’m never sleeping again. But it went away and I slept so easily in years! It also boosts my appetite and I am eating so much more now than I ever did.

I almost cried because a healthy appetite and being able to lie in bed and doze off in 10mins is like a gift I took for granted. If I were a spiritual person, I would say that I’m seeing life in a whole new light now.

Nearly 2 months in with the new medication, I found myself not being able to sleep again.

Coincidentally, Alan Rickman died.

It’s like my body knows that we have lost a great wizard.

To make it even more scary, I was doing a Harry Potter marathon and watching the behind the scenes and interviews with casts. When I received the news, it happened where they were showing the last movie that Richard Harris did before he passed away.

It was like I’m reliving The Deathly Hallows in real life.

Harry Potter will always be the most treasured literary works and movies in my life. When the author was writing it, she was a struggling single mother and she had depression. It is like something beautiful and amazing can come out of the dark.

The books also show that darkness never prevails.

Darkness never wins.

And true to that, the past few months when I had insomnia and had watched every DVDs I had twice over, I found out that Netflix is coming out.

Netflix…the beacon of light in my insomniac life.

Thank you cosmic universe.

 

 

 

I got RBF…so just get over it

Yes, I have a resting bitch face.

It’s not that I’m arrogant, unhappy, tired, stressed or throwing tantrums.

It’s my resting bitch face.

Since my teenage years, when people asked me why am I unhappy or angry and I’m actually not, I will look at them quizzically.

Then they will ask me am I mad at them for expressing concern because when I look at them, seems like I am staring at them and asking for a fight.

My ex-manager told me that they were unsure of whether to hire me or not because during interview I look disinterested.

It’s so weird when I thought that people can read me like an open book but sometimes they misread it.

I mean, I don’t walk around smiling to myself like a giddy fool because that’s just a situation waiting to be uploaded on Youtube. I do have happy times. There are times where I feel like a rainbow unicorn bouncing through the air and the background is all pastel and cheery but my face looks like Darth Vader.

They need to produce a t-shirt that says I have RBF so people will get the hint.

Its Christmas time, so people let’s all drink lots of alcohol and chill and be merry like crazy drunks. But keep safe, be responsible driving and remember to bring your kids home and not leave them behind.

Just spreading the lurve…just saying~

Ignorance and arrogance

This year I learnt a very good lesson on human’s ignorance and arrogance.

If you look back on past unfortunate events in the world :

Genocide

Global warming

Animal abuse

Human trafficking

Hunger issues

Over-population

Deforestation

Animal extinction

Outspread of diseases

War

They all happened, causes an uproar and people started working on it. It’s an evil cycle that keeps happening because there will always be new bad guys. There will always be new opportunities to create havoc in this world.

I opined that it all stems from human’s ignorance and arrogance.

We humans can be so arrogant. We lord all over the animal world. We control where they will live or  when they will die. We decided if the forest should remain or to be destroy to make way for humans. We control other humans on how they should think and how they should live. We act as god when we decide who should be put to death and who should have mercy.

We ignored the fact that the earth’s resources are dwindling. We are too close-minded to accept the fact that there are more than one way of living an honest life. We cannot accept anything out of the ordinary for us. We do not bother to think deeply about the world but to rather work on living our lives being socially acceptable and popular. We are materialistic, power-hungry people because that’s all that matters to us. We do not care what is happening to the other side of the earth because ignorance is bliss.

I am a hypocrite. For saying that I love animals but yet, I eat meat almost on a daily basis. I have materialistic wants and accept materialistic gains. I am not perfect because being human, you can’t be perfect.

But you could change or work on yourself. You could be a voice to the needy and helpless. Instead of being a sheep and just following where others are going, be out of the ordinary.

What made me think more about how I’m living my life are the people that I know or meet. When there are people that are not making me comfortable with myself, I tell myself I do not want to be like them as to make others unhappy. When someone makes me happy and cheers me up, I tell myself, I want to be like them and make someone feel cherished.

I had a lot of downs this year. I had 2 choices to make for myself, either to fall back to safety or step into growth. I chose growth because I don’t want to be a sheep anymore. The journey was not easy. It was difficult, lonely and susceptible to people’s doubts and discouragement. They put their fears in me and keep trying to make me be like them. Because they themselves want some sort of recognition that they are living the correct lives. They do not want to believe that there is another path in life that they can walk. They are afraid of being wrong so they rather follow the majority.

I chose to check myself into counselling for my anxiety issues. I then went to the clinic to be treated for anxiety and depressive moods. People said that I am exaggerating my illness or making excuses. Someone told me that these people does not have empathy and thank our lucky stars that they are not doctors or nurses. I was down and depress about it because they made me self-doubt myself and what I was going through.  But then I realized that, this sort of people were probably why I was never diagnose earlier as a child and receive the treatment I needed. Now that I’m an adult, I can put my foot down and decide to get treatment. I want to live a better and fulfilling life. I also want to be more empathetic towards others. I have a friend that often text me to check on my progress. She also sends me articles on  how to manage anxiety and depression. She even searches for apps to help me with my insomnia and panic attacks. She does not have such issues, yet she is accepting and understanding of mine. She is gold and inspiring. I want to be a friend like that to others.

When I chose to stop working a 9 to 5 job, people were doubtful. When I said I do not want to work for power hungry companies or tyrant bosses, people said that is wishful thinking. People don’t believe such a job exists. Because no one dares to look for it. They wait for someone to pave the way for them, to make a historic change in the working world before others join in on the bandwagon. Like I said, many people are sheep. They are afraid to be criticize so they do what society deem is correct. And these people, are the ones that judge and criticize people the most.

When I said I’m joining a start-up company. Many said it wouldn’t work out. Many smirked when 9 months down the road, the company is not yet operating. I do get some support. That’s when I realized that those doubtful are the ones that are working for people and those that are supportive are the ones that work for themselves. I get it that not everyone is cut out to be entrepreneurs. Some like to have a steady pay check. But that does not give them the right to be so judgemental. I said that I am joining a start-up company. It’s not on a whim, we did not just woke up one day and say ‘hey let’s start a company’.

This was planned even before I graduated college. The first stage was already running when I started my first job out of college. Setting up a business from scratch takes time and lots and lots of planning. You do not plan a few months then expect to run a business just like that. Building a strong foundation is crucial and takes years. We took years to build a strong network of people locally and overseas. We build up a safety net so as to withstand any storm. When one source of funds is stuck, we have other sources that are still running. We have dozens of plans that were scraped away before we even execute them. We adjust our strategies according to the economy and the market. When one idea fails, we move on to another. We do not sit and cry about it.

People judge and think it’s a shell company. They only see the face value of things. Which is why when they see someone all decked out in high end brands and eating at Michelin star restaurants, they conclude that they are filthy rich and successful. I have seen people that buys branded bags every week and in actual fact, their savings in the bank account is just a mere 4 digits. I have seen people that dress simply and make humble purchases but they have a hefty savings account and invested in diversified portfolio.

To give another example, I have seen a person that has tattoos all over its body, rescuing abandon pets and donating their time and money to animal shelters. While a clean cut executive only “rescue” their own pride and “donate” to their branded goods shopping.

Try to see past the surface and you will understand the whole story. People can dress themselves up and mask themselves in a million ways. They cannot hide their true character and integrity.

I was one of those people that judge on face value. I am trying to change that. I want to think more deeply about the world. I want to educate myself more on the environment and people. I want to be more open hearted and accepting of people that are different from us.

I believe the challenges I face now will build character and give me another point of view. I also believe that I will reach my goal of working in a great company that allows me to achieve my dreams.

Something big is going to happen next year. I cannot wait for it and if it really does, I know that I will cry big happy tears. For all the sacrifices, anxieties, humiliations, disappointments and challenges I have endured will finally produce a promising result.

 

I have a thing for dolls

I recently got a little obsessed with a couple of toys that I wish to have.

Of course Blythe is one of it, but then its too pricey for me to have it now and my family thinks its too creepy to gift it to me as a birthday present.

Thank you family, now I know how much you care about me. Sarcasm just cannot get any thicker than this.

So I divert my attention to Funko pops!

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Yes I’m also obsessed with Sherlock from the BBC telemovie.

I am also liking Benedict Cumberbatch now. (No, not ready to join the Cumberbitches club yet)

Anyway these vinyl dolls are so adorable. Also they are very well-made and I love that they have it in characters from games/Disney/tv shows/movies..etc…

There are so many I love. Just Disney alone is already a crazy amount. Frozen and Beauty and the Beast are my top choices.

And there is also Harry Potter and TV shows characters like Friends and Sherlock.

For people who are giving me weird looks because I like toys, I don’t judge you for talking to your watch so you might want to keep your opinions to yourself or talk to your watch about it.

Shoo…go back to talking to your watch now.

My new Betta fish-Dobby the fish cake

I got a new Betta fish this week. I have been thinking of getting it for a while and I finally found the one that I love.

It’s a steel-blue crown tail and I named it Dobby after the house elf in Harry Potter.Because the tattered tails looked like Dobby’s tattered clothes.I nicknamed it ‘fish cake’ because I’m very disturbingly sick like that.

No, I did not rear it to eat it.

Its been awhile since I had fishes in my house. This reminded me of an incident that happened when I was young. My dad and I went to an aquarium store and bought 2 female Swordtail fishes. They bagged them in plastic bag for us to take home.

On the drive home, one of them gave birth to live fishy babies that looked like worms.

And the other ate those live fishy babies that looked like worms.

My dad was calmly driving home as fast as he could while talking me through the labour (It’s like he done this before, guiding someone through fish labour).

I was frantically trying to separate the cannibalistic fish from the live babies. This must be what evil look like in fish form.

Of course some baby fishes were eaten but have no fear for the mother ended up having about 17 live babies y’all! (Note the sarcasm)

2 sides of the moral of this story.

We paid for 2 adult fishes and ended up with 17 freebies.

They went on the have babies of their own and we ended up with a huge ass tank full of them.

Contraceptive is important for you do not want any unexpected surprises like only having prepared a small plastic tank expecting 2 fishes and not the entire family of 19 kids and counting.

Of course we were not equip for a fish nursery so my dad had to rush out to get another tank.

I had a mind to burn that cannibalistic Satan’s fish spawn on a toothpick. Then I saw it eating its own poop, spat it out and only to eat the same poop.

Over and over again.

So it might not be evil after all.

Just not the sharpest tool in the shed.