My last blog post was in October of last year and on the topic of weaning off. I did not post like 4 months after (is it 4 months? I wouldn’t have a clue because I’m a hippie now and I don’t keep tabs of what day it is)
Well the truth is the weaning off almost killed me.
Sorry I shouldn’t use such extreme words like ‘killed’, what was I thinking?
One word isn’t enough to describe what I went through during the weaning off process. Let’s just say I felt like I was thrown unexpectedly out of a high window and did not die a glorious death. Instead I had to experience every single unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.
Anyway I’m back on my normal dosage and this time the doctor told me not to think about weaning off until like in a year’s time. He gave the ‘I-told-you-so-face’.
So annoying of course but hey, it took me awhile to get back to a normal functioning human. I tried to explain to so many people on why I need to take medication for my sleep issue. Anxiety and panic attacks are triggered thousand folds when I do not have adequate sleep for weeks. It’s tiring trying to explain to people who do not have this issue.
So now that my sleep is back on track, the next issue I had to tackle was my job. I had to look for another job, again. Before you people start judging like
“what is wrong with this woman?!”
“so you like being a job-hopper”
“can’t you hold out longer than a year?”
Before you savages started to blame me, I did not initiate the ‘break-up’ ok? I went into this job giving everything that I had and always thinking of the other person. I kept my sleep issues to myself because I did not want to burden anyone. So no, I did not want to leave this relationship, they decided, not me. They expected once the projects are done, they would not need me to continue my contract anymore. So I am just the ‘mother’ who carry this ‘baby’ for 9 months and had to leave once the ‘baby’ is out. I had to go through all that process of sending resumes, going for countless interviews and trying to be like ‘look at me, I’m happy, hire me’. The thought of leaving my ‘nest’ and the warmth of the nice colleagues just saddens me.
I am so thankful for my friends whom I kept drowning them in my work sorrows. They always keep me motivated and encourages me. Hell that doesn’t do justice to what they did for me. Basically they joined me in talking shit about the situations, judge people and let me cursed like no tomorrow. Then from all that we came out with such wisdom that makes Dumbledore proud of us. That felt better than all that motivational and positive thinking mojo. You need to feel like your girls had your back, this is how you can be a confident and kind woman at work. Because you had all your shit sorted out. Cheer to my squad!
So after the long arduous journey of getting my shit back together, again. I found a job or shall I say they found me. Yes, I manage to find a rebound pretty quickly. So I was all happy and shit until I tender, my boss tried to stop me by giving so many fucked-up reasons. Saying I should not leave when the ‘baby’ is still not done yet, this is why you are here in the first place. They wanted me to extend my notice period. In the past, the mousey me will agree. But I’m no longer that person now and I will challenge back.
That frustration does not ends here. they are making use of my remaining days there trying to throw as much shit on me as possible. I had the most frustrating week at work and my patience had truly reached its end.
The rose-colored glass are now gone, all I see now are the selfishness of people in a workplace. Right now what is keeping my shit together are green tea and listening to soothing music. I should not be blamed for the foolishness and ugliness of the whole situation. People can be an ass when they did not get what they wanted. People can be selfish and expected people to accommodate to their request and not thinking of the feelings or the difficulties the other parties feel. Some people are more focused on having money and career than being a kind human being with values. People priorities in life are different.
Here’s to the other Khaleesi out there who are trying to live a normal life with illness or other injustices in life. You do not need to get your hands dirty and go out for revenge. There is Karma and there are people will get what they deserve someway or another. Find your squad in life, the people who will stick with you throughout ANY journey you are going through. People who will not just leave that part of your life because it is difficult for them and re-enter again to the part of the life that they want to be in. It took me so long to find mine because I do not open myself to everyone. But I am learning because the more I open myself, the higher chances of finding ‘my tribe’.
My anxiety ‘tribe’, strangers supporting one another online because we understand each other journey so well. You guys are the magical creatures on this earth because of your amazing empathy and acceptance. You guys are unicorns and the world is such a better place with you on it.
Unleash your dragons my Khaleesi.